HIS plan is PERFECT ... even when we don't understand it

I'm not sure how to even start this post.. I want to say that GOD IS GOOD and HIS PLAN IS PERFECT and, although we don't always understand the reason for things that happen, we know that GOD IS IN CONTROL and HE IS SOVEREIGN. Jonathan and I decided a few months back, after lots of praying and knowing that Tucker was at a good age, to start trying to have another child. Jonathan is an only child and I was always very close with my brother so we knew we wanted Tucker to have that special bond with a sibling - IF it was the Lord's will. Well, a few Tuesday nights ago (December 18th), after leaving my brother and sister-in-law's house, we went home and I decided to take a pregnancy test. It was time for me to start and I knew I had been very tired. I had actually seen an extra pregnancy test under my cabinet during the day and thought... hey, why not? I didn't even tell Jonathan (which was unusual), but Tucker had gone to bed and I went straight to the bathroom and took it..I just knew it was going to be negative. So I sat there for a few seconds and the negative line starting showing up ............ and then all of a sudden a very faint plus sign starting to form. I couldn't believe it!!!! I sprinted to the kitchen as quickly as I could and said, "Jonathan come look at this!!!!!!!! and tell me what you think". He was like, "about what, what is it?" (Because, again, he didn't even know I was taking a pregnancy test.) He looked at it and was in SHOCK! We both were ... but we were soo excited all at the same time. Tucker was gonna be a big brother!! I decided to take another one just to make sure I could confirm what I was looking at ... and, sure enough, another positive pregnancy test. The hardest part was not getting on the phone right then and calling my family to tell them ... but Jonathan and I had already decided we were gonna keep this one quiet a little longer than we had done for Tucker (at least until we went for our first doctor's appt). So ... of course, I barely slept that night and just couldn't wait to call the DR in the morning. I made my pre-natal appt for January 3rd, when I would be 6 weeks and 2 days. So ... we went through Christmas parties with close friends and Christmas eve and Christmas day with all our family and didn't say a word. That was soo hard because my sister-in-law even asked if we had an announcement...I wanted to shout from the rooftop and say YES YES, we do!! ... but we didn't. So ... fast forward to the Wednesday after Christmas, December 26th. Jonathan had the flu during Christmas so Tucker and I were very careful to stay away from him, sleep on the couch, wash our hands constantly, etc. as to not get it (especially since Tucker is so little and I was pregnant). Thankfully, to this point, we haven't gotten it and Jonathan is all better - PTL! So, since Christmas was over and Jonathan was feeling better, I decided to head to Walmart to get some groceries and some big rubbermaid containers to start storing Tucker's old toys, clothes, Christmas decorations, etc. in. That morning I felt like I was "nesting" already - we even joked about it. I had cleaned out Tucker's closet and drawers, Jonathan had moved Tucker's changing table out (because we never use it anymore and we wanted to start turning his room into a "big boy" room since he was now going to be a big brother). So ... I left and went to Walmart. When I came home, it was raining so I was running in and out bringing groceries. I was adamant that Jonathan did NOT need to come out and get the groceries because he was just getting over the flu - there was no way I wanted him to have a relapse of it. So ... as I was bringing the groceries in, towards the last group of bags, I started feeling awful. Something felt like it was stretching in my stomach and I told Jonathan immediately I needed to lay down..so I did. He unloaded the groceries and made Tucker lunch and took care of everything else - he's always sooo good to me (and Tucker). So ... the rest of the afternoon I just rested. I was still hurting a little but not unbearable. I even looked for blood just in case but ... nothing... thankfully, I was ok. Most importantly, the baby was ok! So ... the next day we were lazy. I was working a little bit and I felt a lot better. I finally took a shower around 1:00 that afternoon when Tucker went down for his nap. We had planned to go see Aunt Faye and Jonathan's grandma and then Ms. Debbie was going to take Tucker home for us so Jonathan and I could eat out at Lonestar with one of our gift cards and we were going to do a little shopping with our Christmas GC & cash. Jonathan had not been out of the house (besides my mom's house) since Sunday so he was ready to get out. As soon as I got out of the shower, I went to lay down (without even drying my hair - which I NEVER do). I was so worn out. I took a quick power nap and then jumped up at 3:00, ready to get ready and go. When I did, I dried my hair and then I felt like I needed to use the bathroom. When I did, there was blood. Not a lot ... but everytime I wiped, there it was. I kept trying to make sure it was coming from where I thought it was and ... it was. I didn't worry at first because I thought it might just be "spotting." I immediately called my OBGYN's office and spoke to someone in appointments but told her what was going on and asked what I needed to do. I told her I was only 5 1/2 weeks along and I hadn't even been in for my pre-natal appt yet. She immediately got one of the nurses to come to the phone. She asked me details and, at that point, I didn't seem to worry and neither did she (she actually stated that some of those things could be "normal"), but we went ahead and scheduled an appt for me the next morning (since it was already after 3:30 and we were in Clayton). I asked Jonathan to call Ms. Debbie to tell her we weren't coming and she didn't need to keep Tucker and he told her why. She immediately came over just to play with Tucker so we could rest. I didn't call my mom (which was the hardest thing ever) but I could NOT do it. She had had SO MUCH going on with my grandparents the last few weeks and I knew I wasn't going to the doctor until this next morning so i KNEW she wouldn't sleep so .......... I decided not to tell her until I woke up and we were heading there. I did call my friend Crystal, though. She has always been like a big sister to me and has always helped me with all my pregnancy questions and, for that matter, so many things. First of all I had to tell her by phone that I WAS pregnant (and she made me laugh, saying she was mad at me for telling her by phone!) and then I started telling her details. Although she didn't know any answers and couldn't tell me for sure, she was THERE for me and was just there to listen. And she texted me off and on just to see how I was doing and to let me know she was praying. From 3:30 until about 5:30, I was doing ok, not worrying too much.. but then about 5:30, I went to the bathroom again and it was like I was on my period. I was cramping, there was blood (and lots of it) and ........... I got a horrible feeling. I decided to call the "on-call DR" to make sure I didn't need to go to the ER or anything and, she reassured me that I should be ok until the morning, but to call if ANYthing changed. She did think I was having a miscarriage and........ that's when I started to really worry. She said, "of course I can't tell you for sure since I'm not seeing you right now, but you definitely need to come in in the morning." Of course, all throughout the night, every minute seemed like an eternity. I tossed and turned and worried and prayed and wondered and just ........... couldn't get it off my mind. I kept running back and forth to the bathroom, just hoping that there would be no more and this would all be a dream of some kind? So ... 7:00 finally came and I got up (didn't even take a shower) and got ready real quick before Ms. Debbie got there to keep Tucker at 7:30. As Jonathan and I were waiting in the kitchen for her to arrive, I just broke down crying. The hardest part was that I didn't "FEEL" pregnant anymore. My boobs weren't tender, etc. and I just "KNEW". The whole way, Jonathan and I didn't really talk ... what was there to talk about? ... I did call my mom and told her what was going on. She just cried and cried and I told her I would call her when we left the doctor. SO ... we got to the DR and ... I walked in and (let me just say ... they need to have a separate rooms for people who have miscarriages because goooooodness ... I looked like I had been hit by a train and had tears just streaming down my face). Luckily, there was only one other person in there waiting and she was immediately called back (before I even sat down). Then, 15 seconds later, I was called back. They had to get my weight and pee sample, of course, and then we went around the corner for my blood pressure. We then had to wait again for a few seconds and then they called us back to the room. The DR came in and asked me what was going on and I told him. He said ok we're going to do the pelvic exam and then we'll talk. It was quiet while they were examining me. When he was done (which was like less than 2 minutes later), he said, "ok - meet me in my office across the hall when you get dressed." OK .......... so I got dressed very quickly and Jonathan and I went to his office. He said, "well, it does seem like you are having a miscarriage." He explained why miscarriages happen and assured me that it was nothing I lifted, nothing we could've done, but it just happened. He said the chromosomes didn't line up and the baby could've had all kinds of issues and problems. He talked about my blood levels and my blood type and how long I would bleed, etc. etc. and then asked Jonathan and I if we had any questions. We both looked at each other like "what are we supposed to ask?" We said no ... but really, had SO many questions (that he probably couldn't answer). He reassured us that I had a healthy pregnancy the first time and there's no reason to believe that I won't have a healthy pregnancy again. He said we could "try again in 4-6 weeks" ....... what?! I didn't even want to THINK about that ... but I know that's his job - telling us the facts and the "do's and don't's." So ... I had to do some blood work and then we were free to go. When we got up to the front desk to check out she said, "ok you have a $25 co-pay". Jonathan said, "I got it." And I turned away and just started balling ... I think he knew I didn't want to deal with a $25 copay. I didn't care HOW MUCH it was but ......... I have to pay YOU $25 for you to just tell US that our baby isn't making it?! ......... The whole way home I just cried and I felt so nauseous and my poor husband was just so strong and took care of me, even though he was dealing with grief himself. I texted my mom and Crystal because I couldn't talk ... I didn't really feel like it. We went home and I was just SO thankful to get my arms around my sweet little boy. WE ARE SOO BLESSED WITH A HEALTHY CHILD ALREADY. THIS is where I want to enter all our praise and thanksgiving to the Lord. IT could be SOO much worse. First of all, we have a God of comfort and peace and strength, the One who's plan is absolutely perfect. I don't doubt HIS plan for one milli-second. HE is in control. HE is our rock. He is so good to us. We are so blessed with salvation, a healthy marriage where God is the center, a healthy and precious and beautiful 22 month old who just brings so much life to our lives, a wonderful family who is there for us through anything, a wonderful group of friends who will be there to comfort us and pray for us and the list goes on and on and on. We are thankful that I was ONLY 5 1/2 weeks ... I have been beating myself up over that, thinking "Emily - stop it - the baby was only 5 1/2 weeks" but I also read that "loss is loss" and, although I was only 5 1/2 weeks pregnant, we loved that baby just like we love our sweet son. We are also very thankful, though, that I wasn't further along. I can't IMAGINE having a still-born baby or being further along with the nursery done, or having picked out a name, or knowing it's a boy or girl. We are also thankful that it wasn't a brother or sister or parent or friend that has been on this earth for a number of years ... we know it could be so much worse. We are also thankful that God restores the brokenhearted. Although we are thankful for all these things, it is still HARD. When you grieve, usually everybody knows. But we are really choosing not to tell that many people right now ... mainly because we just don't want to have to go through the whole story ... I'm not ready for that yet. I wanted my dad and step-mom and brother and sister-in-law to know but I wasn't ready to talk about it so my mom called and told them. We are all experiencing "loss" and we know, in time, it will get better. I didn't realize how much it was affecting Jonathan, too, until today. We laid in bed yesterday and he was just letting the tears roll, too, as I was. But today, he said he just feels numb (as I do, too). I am thankful to have him right by my side and that we have each other. We also have some very special friends at church who I told Jonathan he/(we) needed to confide in and we did. Jonathan went and told him yesterday (because I just felt like he needed somebody to talk to, too). They cried with us, prayed with us, and are there when we need them (as I know so many other people would be if/when we tell them). We KNOW we are going to get through this. We KNOW God is going to use this for His glory. We KNOW that baby is in heaven and we will see it one day. I thought maybe writing it all out would help me. I'm ok with people finding out, I just don't want to have to relive it and go over it again and again, not at this point. I will get there, but it's not today. If you do see this, will you please stop right now and pray for us? I am thankful to God that we do have a relationship with Him and know that He will bring us through this and that He is there to comfort us and give us strength. Now I understand what other people who have lost an unborn child go through. Again, God will certainly use this. He is all-powerful. He is our creator. He knit that baby together in my womb. How thankful we are to have experienced even being able to get pregnant with a second child - there are so many who are struggling even to have a first one. We will never forget that sweet baby that we never met.

The REAL reason for the season

Yesterday I was reminded of the exact reason we are here on this earth.......... Let me back up by saying this time of year is always crazy with the hustle and bustle of Christmas parties, church activies, shopping, preschool parties, exams (for Jonathan - and, in turn, me!) -- and, not to mention, this year my granddad had a heart attack at the beginning of December and had triple bypass surgery and just went home from the hospital today! PRAISE GOD! So, yes! It's been a busy season. With that said, it's easy to get caught up in the "craziness" of our busy lives. I do it all the time. So ... this past week has been especially crazy with work, Christmas parties/activities, helping Jonathan with some things at church, etc. etc. So Saturday afternoon Jonathan's "chair set up team" (for the new worship center) had to set up chairs for the first time since we have gotten into the new building. He wasn't feeling good ... had woken up with a fever ... but felt like he "couldn't miss" so he went to work anyway. He took off a few hours specifically to come to the church, set up chairs, and set up the Central Asia table (each staff member/intern was in charge of setting up a table to display with information, decorations, etc. each week of December, focusing on missions - his happened to be today (Dec. 23rd). So, needless to say, he was stressed and just completely worn down (on top of painting and putting in a floor at somebody's house all week for extra money). So ... of course, as his wife, I was worried about him, worried about Tucker, etc. etc. and decided I would go help set up chairs at the church while Tucker took a nap at Ms. Debbie's. I also wanted to help him put together the Central Asia table. So the chair set up went great! There were plenty of people there to help and it only took about 30 minutes - praise the Lord! So ... everybody left and it was just me and Jonathan left there to set up the table. While we were setting it up, Jonathan realized he needed to ride over to the church office to print a few more things. I was hesitant in going because I needed to get back to Tucker to get him ready to go to Auntie's for our Christmas get-together and then on to the Mohn's house for our annual Christmas/Christopher's bday party. BUSY BUSY! But ... I decided to go anyway (mainly to make sure he was ok and help him with what needed to be done so he could go back to work - and hopefully stop at urgent care on his way back). So ... when we pulled up at the office, we were getting out and this old, beat up car started driving up with a colored lady in it. She rolled down her window and said, "excuse me, is the pastor here?" I said, "no ma'am - he just left! Is there something I can help you with?" She immediately put her head down and started bawling. I told Jonathan to go on inside and I went down to her car. I just opened the door and started hugging her. I asked her what was wrong and she was having trouble even getting the words out at first. Because it was so cold outside, I invited her to come into the conference room where it was warm so we could sit and talk. When we sat down, I noticed she had a speech issue. She told me she was hearing impaired but she read lips - she had a hearing aid in each ear. I could understand her, though, and she seemed to be able to understand everything I said - because she would answer my questions completely. She started telling me how everything was just falling apart and nothing was going right and she was riding down the road (crying for help) and she kept looking for cars at churches in Zebulon, Wendell, etc. but she didn't see anybody and she said "Lord, you are gonna have to take the wheel ... I don't even know where I'm going" and He led her straight to Central. She said she had been there before and spoken to one of our staff members and she worked at a local nursing home and everybody seemed to be talking about Christmas and exchanging presents but she was just trying to have food on the table and clothes on her back. She proceeded to tell me all about the struggles in her life - molestation as a child, domestic violence, a mother who is on drugs, etc. etc. and she just felt like her life was falling apart. She had been homeless before but is now in low-income housing, PTL! She said she has a bed but is looking for a couch. She bought her couch at Goodwill, but when she got it home, she realized it had bed bugs all over it. She had to throw it out. Since she is hard of hearing, she likes to be able to be in her living room most of the time so she can hear somebody coming to her door, but she isn't able to do that now (unless she is on the floor). As I sat there listening, I could clearly hear the Lord telling me, "this is a reminder that there are people out there that are starving, cold, homeless, sick, broken ... and you are on this earth for a specific purpose - it's not to make every Christmas party on time, it's not to buy the most expensive stuff, it's not to worry about me, myself and I ... it's to love God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength and to share HIS love with others. You are to tell her about Jesus, encourage her, help her because somebody else has done those very same things for you." THANK YOU, GOD, for that awesome reminder. So the most important part was I did ask her if she had ever accepted Jesus as her Lord and Savior and what that meant to her and she had. She just said she needed a "family" to encourage her, help her, etc. That is why we are here! Because Jonathan worked extra hard this week, we, FOR ONCE, were able to help her just a little. When I ran down to Ms. Debbie's house to get something for her, Ms. Debbie gave me 3 jackets for her and was able to help her, too. I invited her to church the next day (today), but I really didn't think she would come. I even mentioned it to the staff member that had spoken to her before and she said, "yea ... she always says she is going to come but she doesn't come." Well ... PRAISE GOD she showed up!! I was SHOCKED and just amazed at how God works! I needed that encouragement and reminder that there are hurting people ... broken people ... who NEED JESUS! And it's not about ME! It's about JESUS!! It couldn't have come at a more perfect time! She still does need a couch, so anybody that reads this (which I don't think is anybody - so I will post on facebook), please spread the word and let me know if you have one or know somebody who does. She trusts that Jesus is going to provide - but we have to be His hands and His feet and allow His Holy Spirit to work in us and through us - for the sake of His kingdom. Thank you, Lord Jesus! I was blessed far beyond what she was!

Time flies when you are having fun! It is unbelievable that Jonathan and I have been married for 4 years already. I am so much more in love with him than even the day we got married. I must say ... I am so thankful that we are not in the same place as we were when we got married 4 years ago. We have talked about it a million times, and although our love for each other was strong and true, the Lord was not yet the center of our lives, therefore, he couldn't be the center of our marriage. I am so thankful for February 17th, 2009, two months after we got married, because that's when we both SURRENDERED and gave our lives to Christ completely. THANK YOU, JESUS! Because of that, our marriage has grown and God has been able to use us as a couple (and a family). I love my husband for being the godly leader of our household that he is -- a godly and loving father, husband, best friend, who is real, genuine, hilarious, fun-loving, compassionate, caring, and makes us feel safe and secure. I love him for so much more than that and I am thankful to God for choosing Him for me as my husband.

Tucker's 2nd visit with Santa Clause

As you can see below, Tucker is not yet a fan of Santa. Well ... let me rephrase that. NOT a big fan of sitting on Santa's lap without mommy and daddy holding him. He didn't mind standing in line waving at him, but when it came time to sit with him, he was not ok with that. Oh well, we will try again next year :)

Stella is here!! December 9th, 2012

Our beautiful niece arrived Sunday, December 9th, 2012. She is perfect! Talk about baby fever ... I honestly had not had it for the last (almost) 2 years since Tucker was born. BUT ... now I definitely do (thanks, Todd & Laine)! I am looking forward to spoiling her and loving her! Tucker does not know what to think of her. When he first met her, he really didn't pay much attention to her. Finally, the other night at Auntie's house (for Christmas), he got a little closer to her carseat and was trying to figure her out. It was too cute. She will be as big as he is before long and they will be the best of cousin-buddies! Here are a few pictures!