HIS plan is PERFECT ... even when we don't understand it

I'm not sure how to even start this post.. I want to say that GOD IS GOOD and HIS PLAN IS PERFECT and, although we don't always understand the reason for things that happen, we know that GOD IS IN CONTROL and HE IS SOVEREIGN. Jonathan and I decided a few months back, after lots of praying and knowing that Tucker was at a good age, to start trying to have another child. Jonathan is an only child and I was always very close with my brother so we knew we wanted Tucker to have that special bond with a sibling - IF it was the Lord's will. Well, a few Tuesday nights ago (December 18th), after leaving my brother and sister-in-law's house, we went home and I decided to take a pregnancy test. It was time for me to start and I knew I had been very tired. I had actually seen an extra pregnancy test under my cabinet during the day and thought... hey, why not? I didn't even tell Jonathan (which was unusual), but Tucker had gone to bed and I went straight to the bathroom and took it..I just knew it was going to be negative. So I sat there for a few seconds and the negative line starting showing up ............ and then all of a sudden a very faint plus sign starting to form. I couldn't believe it!!!! I sprinted to the kitchen as quickly as I could and said, "Jonathan come look at this!!!!!!!! and tell me what you think". He was like, "about what, what is it?" (Because, again, he didn't even know I was taking a pregnancy test.) He looked at it and was in SHOCK! We both were ... but we were soo excited all at the same time. Tucker was gonna be a big brother!! I decided to take another one just to make sure I could confirm what I was looking at ... and, sure enough, another positive pregnancy test. The hardest part was not getting on the phone right then and calling my family to tell them ... but Jonathan and I had already decided we were gonna keep this one quiet a little longer than we had done for Tucker (at least until we went for our first doctor's appt). So ... of course, I barely slept that night and just couldn't wait to call the DR in the morning. I made my pre-natal appt for January 3rd, when I would be 6 weeks and 2 days. So ... we went through Christmas parties with close friends and Christmas eve and Christmas day with all our family and didn't say a word. That was soo hard because my sister-in-law even asked if we had an announcement...I wanted to shout from the rooftop and say YES YES, we do!! ... but we didn't. So ... fast forward to the Wednesday after Christmas, December 26th. Jonathan had the flu during Christmas so Tucker and I were very careful to stay away from him, sleep on the couch, wash our hands constantly, etc. as to not get it (especially since Tucker is so little and I was pregnant). Thankfully, to this point, we haven't gotten it and Jonathan is all better - PTL! So, since Christmas was over and Jonathan was feeling better, I decided to head to Walmart to get some groceries and some big rubbermaid containers to start storing Tucker's old toys, clothes, Christmas decorations, etc. in. That morning I felt like I was "nesting" already - we even joked about it. I had cleaned out Tucker's closet and drawers, Jonathan had moved Tucker's changing table out (because we never use it anymore and we wanted to start turning his room into a "big boy" room since he was now going to be a big brother). So ... I left and went to Walmart. When I came home, it was raining so I was running in and out bringing groceries. I was adamant that Jonathan did NOT need to come out and get the groceries because he was just getting over the flu - there was no way I wanted him to have a relapse of it. So ... as I was bringing the groceries in, towards the last group of bags, I started feeling awful. Something felt like it was stretching in my stomach and I told Jonathan immediately I needed to lay down..so I did. He unloaded the groceries and made Tucker lunch and took care of everything else - he's always sooo good to me (and Tucker). So ... the rest of the afternoon I just rested. I was still hurting a little but not unbearable. I even looked for blood just in case but ... nothing... thankfully, I was ok. Most importantly, the baby was ok! So ... the next day we were lazy. I was working a little bit and I felt a lot better. I finally took a shower around 1:00 that afternoon when Tucker went down for his nap. We had planned to go see Aunt Faye and Jonathan's grandma and then Ms. Debbie was going to take Tucker home for us so Jonathan and I could eat out at Lonestar with one of our gift cards and we were going to do a little shopping with our Christmas GC & cash. Jonathan had not been out of the house (besides my mom's house) since Sunday so he was ready to get out. As soon as I got out of the shower, I went to lay down (without even drying my hair - which I NEVER do). I was so worn out. I took a quick power nap and then jumped up at 3:00, ready to get ready and go. When I did, I dried my hair and then I felt like I needed to use the bathroom. When I did, there was blood. Not a lot ... but everytime I wiped, there it was. I kept trying to make sure it was coming from where I thought it was and ... it was. I didn't worry at first because I thought it might just be "spotting." I immediately called my OBGYN's office and spoke to someone in appointments but told her what was going on and asked what I needed to do. I told her I was only 5 1/2 weeks along and I hadn't even been in for my pre-natal appt yet. She immediately got one of the nurses to come to the phone. She asked me details and, at that point, I didn't seem to worry and neither did she (she actually stated that some of those things could be "normal"), but we went ahead and scheduled an appt for me the next morning (since it was already after 3:30 and we were in Clayton). I asked Jonathan to call Ms. Debbie to tell her we weren't coming and she didn't need to keep Tucker and he told her why. She immediately came over just to play with Tucker so we could rest. I didn't call my mom (which was the hardest thing ever) but I could NOT do it. She had had SO MUCH going on with my grandparents the last few weeks and I knew I wasn't going to the doctor until this next morning so i KNEW she wouldn't sleep so .......... I decided not to tell her until I woke up and we were heading there. I did call my friend Crystal, though. She has always been like a big sister to me and has always helped me with all my pregnancy questions and, for that matter, so many things. First of all I had to tell her by phone that I WAS pregnant (and she made me laugh, saying she was mad at me for telling her by phone!) and then I started telling her details. Although she didn't know any answers and couldn't tell me for sure, she was THERE for me and was just there to listen. And she texted me off and on just to see how I was doing and to let me know she was praying. From 3:30 until about 5:30, I was doing ok, not worrying too much.. but then about 5:30, I went to the bathroom again and it was like I was on my period. I was cramping, there was blood (and lots of it) and ........... I got a horrible feeling. I decided to call the "on-call DR" to make sure I didn't need to go to the ER or anything and, she reassured me that I should be ok until the morning, but to call if ANYthing changed. She did think I was having a miscarriage and........ that's when I started to really worry. She said, "of course I can't tell you for sure since I'm not seeing you right now, but you definitely need to come in in the morning." Of course, all throughout the night, every minute seemed like an eternity. I tossed and turned and worried and prayed and wondered and just ........... couldn't get it off my mind. I kept running back and forth to the bathroom, just hoping that there would be no more and this would all be a dream of some kind? So ... 7:00 finally came and I got up (didn't even take a shower) and got ready real quick before Ms. Debbie got there to keep Tucker at 7:30. As Jonathan and I were waiting in the kitchen for her to arrive, I just broke down crying. The hardest part was that I didn't "FEEL" pregnant anymore. My boobs weren't tender, etc. and I just "KNEW". The whole way, Jonathan and I didn't really talk ... what was there to talk about? ... I did call my mom and told her what was going on. She just cried and cried and I told her I would call her when we left the doctor. SO ... we got to the DR and ... I walked in and (let me just say ... they need to have a separate rooms for people who have miscarriages because goooooodness ... I looked like I had been hit by a train and had tears just streaming down my face). Luckily, there was only one other person in there waiting and she was immediately called back (before I even sat down). Then, 15 seconds later, I was called back. They had to get my weight and pee sample, of course, and then we went around the corner for my blood pressure. We then had to wait again for a few seconds and then they called us back to the room. The DR came in and asked me what was going on and I told him. He said ok we're going to do the pelvic exam and then we'll talk. It was quiet while they were examining me. When he was done (which was like less than 2 minutes later), he said, "ok - meet me in my office across the hall when you get dressed." OK .......... so I got dressed very quickly and Jonathan and I went to his office. He said, "well, it does seem like you are having a miscarriage." He explained why miscarriages happen and assured me that it was nothing I lifted, nothing we could've done, but it just happened. He said the chromosomes didn't line up and the baby could've had all kinds of issues and problems. He talked about my blood levels and my blood type and how long I would bleed, etc. etc. and then asked Jonathan and I if we had any questions. We both looked at each other like "what are we supposed to ask?" We said no ... but really, had SO many questions (that he probably couldn't answer). He reassured us that I had a healthy pregnancy the first time and there's no reason to believe that I won't have a healthy pregnancy again. He said we could "try again in 4-6 weeks" ....... what?! I didn't even want to THINK about that ... but I know that's his job - telling us the facts and the "do's and don't's." So ... I had to do some blood work and then we were free to go. When we got up to the front desk to check out she said, "ok you have a $25 co-pay". Jonathan said, "I got it." And I turned away and just started balling ... I think he knew I didn't want to deal with a $25 copay. I didn't care HOW MUCH it was but ......... I have to pay YOU $25 for you to just tell US that our baby isn't making it?! ......... The whole way home I just cried and I felt so nauseous and my poor husband was just so strong and took care of me, even though he was dealing with grief himself. I texted my mom and Crystal because I couldn't talk ... I didn't really feel like it. We went home and I was just SO thankful to get my arms around my sweet little boy. WE ARE SOO BLESSED WITH A HEALTHY CHILD ALREADY. THIS is where I want to enter all our praise and thanksgiving to the Lord. IT could be SOO much worse. First of all, we have a God of comfort and peace and strength, the One who's plan is absolutely perfect. I don't doubt HIS plan for one milli-second. HE is in control. HE is our rock. He is so good to us. We are so blessed with salvation, a healthy marriage where God is the center, a healthy and precious and beautiful 22 month old who just brings so much life to our lives, a wonderful family who is there for us through anything, a wonderful group of friends who will be there to comfort us and pray for us and the list goes on and on and on. We are thankful that I was ONLY 5 1/2 weeks ... I have been beating myself up over that, thinking "Emily - stop it - the baby was only 5 1/2 weeks" but I also read that "loss is loss" and, although I was only 5 1/2 weeks pregnant, we loved that baby just like we love our sweet son. We are also very thankful, though, that I wasn't further along. I can't IMAGINE having a still-born baby or being further along with the nursery done, or having picked out a name, or knowing it's a boy or girl. We are also thankful that it wasn't a brother or sister or parent or friend that has been on this earth for a number of years ... we know it could be so much worse. We are also thankful that God restores the brokenhearted. Although we are thankful for all these things, it is still HARD. When you grieve, usually everybody knows. But we are really choosing not to tell that many people right now ... mainly because we just don't want to have to go through the whole story ... I'm not ready for that yet. I wanted my dad and step-mom and brother and sister-in-law to know but I wasn't ready to talk about it so my mom called and told them. We are all experiencing "loss" and we know, in time, it will get better. I didn't realize how much it was affecting Jonathan, too, until today. We laid in bed yesterday and he was just letting the tears roll, too, as I was. But today, he said he just feels numb (as I do, too). I am thankful to have him right by my side and that we have each other. We also have some very special friends at church who I told Jonathan he/(we) needed to confide in and we did. Jonathan went and told him yesterday (because I just felt like he needed somebody to talk to, too). They cried with us, prayed with us, and are there when we need them (as I know so many other people would be if/when we tell them). We KNOW we are going to get through this. We KNOW God is going to use this for His glory. We KNOW that baby is in heaven and we will see it one day. I thought maybe writing it all out would help me. I'm ok with people finding out, I just don't want to have to relive it and go over it again and again, not at this point. I will get there, but it's not today. If you do see this, will you please stop right now and pray for us? I am thankful to God that we do have a relationship with Him and know that He will bring us through this and that He is there to comfort us and give us strength. Now I understand what other people who have lost an unborn child go through. Again, God will certainly use this. He is all-powerful. He is our creator. He knit that baby together in my womb. How thankful we are to have experienced even being able to get pregnant with a second child - there are so many who are struggling even to have a first one. We will never forget that sweet baby that we never met.